I was sitting on a bag with 8 rolls of undeveloped film for a year. The photo lab I go to in LA is one of the many places I’d go to with Nana, when she was alive. The people there all knew her, gave her treats, and would ask about her if I went in alone. When she died, I couldn’t bring myself to go back in.
One of my goals after the one year anniversary of Nana’s passing was to go get my film developed. So I went on Monday, and Kathy, the woman who is always at the counter and I think might be one of the owners, asked me where Nana was like she always does if I don’t bring Nana in. And I had to tell her Nana was gone and we both cried. I explained why I hadn’t been in for a year. She hugged me. She understands because she has a dog too. She loved Nana. She told me I needed to get another dog. I think she’s right.
That was my last “first”. After you lose someone you love, there are all of the “firsts” you have to do without them. It took me weeks to go into the coffee shop we’d always go to together, and when I went in the first time without her I cried. Things like that. The photolab was the final one.
Some of you may know that my background is in photography. It’s what I went to school for. I studied photojournalism as an undergrad at the University of Texas and I spent two semesters in an MFA photography program at The New School in New York, but I left to pursue music. I am so glad I went for those two semesters though. At UT I learned how to compose a good image, I learned about gear, and I learned how to use programs like Adobe photoshop and bridge. At The New School I learned how to think about photography.
One thing that never left me from my time at The New School is this conversation we’d have around how working with photography is inherently tied to confronting mortality. A photo implies that the moment has passed. Film in particular is such a gift in that way because you are forced to wait. I appreciate that distance, and it makes the photos more meaningful to me.
Here’s a brief run down of whats on the 8 rolls of film, in the order that I got them from the lab.
Roll 1 - London trip to play 2 solo shows in January 2024, full band tour in Februrary 2024
Roll 2 - March 2024 - driving Nana’s body to Texas, her burial
Roll 3 - June 2024 - vacation in Mexico
Roll 4 - Chinati hot springs sometime in 2023, a close friends wedding, the tour I went on in May/June 2023 right when Time Ain’t Accidental came out
Roll 5 - March 2024 - camping with Nana in Malibu about a week before she died, Nana’s last hike, Nana’s body after she passed at home
Roll 6 - August 2024 - Pine Plains, NY with my mom to play a solo show, Pickathon, Edmonton Folk Festival, UK solo tour
Roll 7 - the true time capsule roll - these were all from 2019 — a few from the funeral in Marfa, TX in 2019 that inspired my song Wind on Tin, BTS of a photoshoot I did on my ex boyfriends land, photos of me at home in LA; then it jumps to January 2024 in London for those solo shows from Roll 1
Roll 8 - March 2024 - full band tour, Nana’s last hike, camping with Nana in Malibu right before she died
So as you can probably imagine, getting all of these at once is a little bit of an emotional whirlwind. And I want to say, I know some people may judge me and think its weird that I photographed Nana after she passed and also that we transported her body to Texas to bury her. That’s okay. I know it’s unusual. But it is what worked for us at the time and what I needed to do honor her memory. If I ever write the Nana death post, I’ll go into all that more.
As hard as it was to revisit some of these memories, I love seeing them. I treasure these photos and plan to make prints of some of my favorites. It felt so good to get this film back. And I feel inspired and reenergized to shoot more again. I honestly in the last year just haven’t felt very inspired to bring my camera around as much as I used to. But I feel that changing now.
So, in the coming weeks I’ll share some of the photos here… lets start with Roll 1 and Roll 7…
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